Since my last post I have been trying to get out and actually meet new people. I don't do the whole bar scene or clubs, so I am really just relying on meeting friends of friends. I actually even went as far as signing up for an internet dating site. I have met some interesting people on there. Most of the guys who are interested in meeting me live more than an hour away. I would rather find someone who is close to me so I tell them so. Am I being too picky? Im not desperate, but I am tired of being alone. I am tired of sitting home with my thoughts and no one to share them with. There is one guy I met in person. We talked on the phone for a while and we had a lot in common. He seemed like a great guy. But once we actually met, there was no connection there (for me anyway). I sometimes wonder if I am being too picky. With my ex, I didn't really like him when I first met him. My brother's ex-girlfriend had "convinced& quot; me to give him a chance, so I did. Now look at where I am at.

A few months ago I had met a friend of a friend. We only hung out at the friend's house and talked but not about much. I thought he was cute and I tried to make the first move by calling him and asking him to go see a movie with me. He never called back. I saw him a few days later and told him that I called him and he swears he never got the message. He seems "interested" cause he has that "look" in his eyes when we talk and there are things that he does that makes me think he would be interested in getting to know me better. But after that night that he swore he didn't get my message I had called him again and, again, he never called back. I haven't seen him since so I haven't asked him but I am a big girl and I am not stupid. I take that as hint and haven't called him since. I hate the games, which is the whole reason why I stayed married for so long. I was so worried about getting back into the dating scene again. Wondering if he is going to call, wondering if I should ask him out, and what happens if I get rejected. Now I know how the guy feels.

Its been ten years since I have actually been on a "date" so I don't know how it works. I don't think it is the same as it was then. The more I talk to couples, the more I find out that neither one ever officially asked the other "wanna be my boyfriend/girlfriend?&quo t; It just happened that way. One date lead to two, then three, and so on and then next thing you know they are calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend. What happened?

I feel like Im old. I guess in a sense I feel like I am still in high school. One good thing about being single though is my roommate is the best. She makes me laugh. We go to places like Target and just be silly and laugh till we almost pee our pants. Maybe thats why I still feel like I am in high school. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Very happy! I have never been more happier in my life than right now. I just get lonely at times. I know God doesn't want me to alone and in time he will bring the right person in my life. I am impatient and want it now. But I am understanding that He knows what he is doing with my life right now so I am taking it one day at a time.  

Lately, I have been having this little urge or itch that I just want to be with someone and I want it now! I can be a very impatient person but I this little urge I have has gotten the best of me. I don't know if its cause my ex has moved on, or maybe its cause the holidays are coming up and I don't want to be alone during that time. I have met a few people, but nothing has "clicked" with any of them. Well, nothing has clicked for me but something had for them. I honestly feel that if I don't feel that conection with someone from the beginning, then what's the point? I didn't feel that connection with my ex right away and look at where it got me. My friends were telling me to give him a chance and the more I hung out with him the more I started to like him. He did have his faults but I started to see right through them.

I don't want to be lonely the rest of my life. I want affection and to be able to give someone affection. For the most part, I have been able to sit back and just enjoy the ride and the things I have going for me. But lately I have just wanted that "something" from someone. I hear all the comments, "you are really pretty," "your such a great person," "you have such a big heart," etc, but that seems to be the only thing I get. So when I can hear that from someone who wants to look into my eyes and tell me? Is that too much to ask? I guess I am a hopeless romantic.

I am a firm believer that God knows my needs and when the timing is right he will fulfill those needs. So I am really trying to be patient and just let things take its course. I am also a firm believer that God is looking after me and when the time is right he will provide for me. I just hate being alone in the process...

I am really tired of being lonely. I have been miserable for so long and now that I am happy for once I feel like I need someone in my life to share that happiness with. There is one person who I thought I could be happy with, but he is not ready for a relationship. So from there, I have tried to just go out, have a good time and meet people but everyone I meet just makes me more and more confused. I want to be in a relationship with someone, but is that what I really need right now? Is that what I really want right now? I hate feeling like this and I hate being so dang confused over everything. I just wish the one person that makes me happy, makes me laugh, and shows me a good time was ready.

Why is it okay for someone to tell you to not do something but it is okay for them to do it?

Let me explain. My daughter likes to tell my ex when I hang out with my friends. I have more guy friends than girls so everytime my ex would hear a guy's name come out of my daughter's mouth he automatically assumed it was the next guy that I was "dating" (or in his words, sleeping with). I would sometimes hang out with them when I had my daughter cause some of them have kids and it is nice for her to be able to play with other kids. Of course, I wouldn't hear the end of it from the ex on how I shouldn't be introducing my daughter to a new guy in my life cause she will get attached and what if it doesn't work out between us, etc. Even though I tried to explain to him that they were just friends, I did understand where he was coming from and I agreed not to do that anymore. I even have a really good friend that I have known since high school. We actually dated in high school but were really good friends after that ended. I eventually lost contact with him but he came back around when I moved in with my roommate (she actually introduced us in high school). I stopped having him come over to hang out or even talk to him when I had my daughter out of respect for my ex. He didn't like to hear when I was hanging out with another guy even if he was just a friend. Deep down, he didn't believe they were just friends (he still doesn't believe it). Anyway, I recently found out that my ex started dating someone. He wanted me to be "warned" that my daughter might mention a girls name cause he and his "girlfriend" hung out with our daughter on Labor Day. Now what is wrong with this picture? How come I do something out of respect for him and he goes and does what he asked me not to do? The thing that really gets me the most is he has only been talking to this chick for a month. A MONTH! I am so furious right now over this.

Speaking of respect, is it respectful to talk to your "girlfriend" on the phone while your at your ex's house picking up a bathing suit for your daughter? He feels that it is not disrespectful cause its bound to happen eventually. Everytime I ever got a phone call from a "friend" and I was around him, I never answered it out of respect for him. He now tells me that I should do it, and I should go ahead and tell him everything that I have done in the past year and a half (since according to him I have slept with every man who ever looked at me since we separated) cause he no longer cares. He says he is finally at the point in his life where it won't bother him. I think he only feels that way cause there is someone else, but I could be wrong. 

Okay, enough of that. My little girl starts 1st grade tomorrow. I can't believe it! She is also having a birthday party this weekend and I can't wait for that. She wanted an MP3 player for her birthday and, I can't believe I'm even admitting to this, I got her one. She has one before I even do. She loves the Alvin and the Chipmunks CD and I can only take so much of hearing chipmunk voices before I go nuts (ha ha, get it?). She also loves the little toons they play on Disney at the beginning of certain shows and she likes a few songs from High School Musical so I think this was a good thing for her. I keep wanting to say that I hope she likes it but I am pretty sure she will *love* it!

I hope all is well in blogger land with my fellow bloggers. Have a great night everyone!   

My daughter did GREAT this past week with her stitches. She loves to go to the playground and/or ride her bike and when I first got her last weekend she mentioned one time about going to the playground. After I mentioned that she couldn't cause of her ankle, she was very good about it and just said "oh thats right. Thats ok, I can go when my leg is better." I thought it was going to be a crazy week with her being couped up in the house but she was very good about it all. My brother even bought her the Alvin and the Chipmunks CD (she LOVED the movie) for her being so good. It is a cute CD and there is some cute songs on there, but I can only take so much of hearing a chipmunk's voice before I want to pull my hair out.

I have been doing okay. The ex is surprisingly leaving me alone. I finally start blogging again cause of all the drama he causes, but after he filed the divorce and served me, he has left me alone. I believe he started to "see" someone too. Which leaves me where I am at... I would like to start dating again but I am not sure if I am ready. I get lonely and depressed and just want to have that attention but at the same time I don't want the next person in my life to be a rebound. I don't want to start dating someone just cause I feel lonely. When is it a good time to start dating someone after you breakup/divorce where it isn't a rebound? I feel that in a sense, everyone is a rebound. I have been separated from the ex for over a year now. There are days where I am content with where I am at and feel that dating is the last thing I need right now. But then I watch the sappy love movies and I cry cause I want that so bad. Or I see a cute couple being all cuddly and I get sad cause I want that.

Is there anyone out there who broke up with someone after a long time, or divorced, and has either remarried or started dating someone? If so, I would like to know your thoughts. How did you know it was the right time to move on?

On another note, my mom is visiting from Yuma, Arizona. She took the train and I picked her up on friday. She is going to be here till September so she can be here for the baby's birthday party. She wasn't able to make it last year, or the year before, so she came out this year for it and to hang out with her lovely daughter. I am glad she is here to visit and it should be a nice one.

I hope everyone has a great day!

I got a call from the ex on Friday night saying "there's been an accident, but don't worry, the baby's ok." Who starts a conversation like that? Anyway, I found out that my daughter got bit by a dog in the back of the ankle that night. She had to get 12 stitches on the back of her ankle. When my ex was telling me all this, I was in tears. I was more upset that I wasn't there to comfort her. I got bit by a dog when I was young (not sure of the age but I was younger than 10) and that was a pretty traumatizing experience for me. Just getting the stitches alone was scary. My daughter and my ex were about an hour away visiting a friend so I couldn't just hop in my car and be with her, as much as I wanted to. If I did, by the time I would get to her everything would be done. I asked to talk to my daughter and she was so brave! I couldn't believe how calm she sounded on the phone. I kept saying that I wanted to make sure that she was ok and she said back to me, in her 16 year old tone of voice, "I'm fine Mom." I swear, I think I was more traumatized by it then she was. She even said it "tickled" when the stitches were being put in and she watched the whole time. She gets that from her father, not me. I really don't know the full story of how it happened, but from what I was told from the ex, she startled the dog and he snapped at her. My ex grabbed her and tried to push the dog back but the dog got around him and bit the back of her ankle. I am very thankful it wasn't worse than what it was. My daughter and my ex were at a friend of his so I don't know this person or the dog that bit her. On a side note, everyone is telling me (including the attorneys at my work) that I should sue the guy for her medical and for "pain and suffering" cause she is going to have a nasty scar on the back of her ankle now. I don't feel right doing that so I don't think I am. I think back to when I was bit and everyone was telling my parents that they should sue the people who owned the dog that bit me. But it was my best friend and I am glad they didn't. I'm not sure if we would still be friends to this day if my parents did that. Even though I don't know this guy, I just don't want to do that to the ex. I guess that's just the nice person in me coming out. 

Anyway, Saturday I drove out to Murrieta for a birthday party (my dad's wife's daughter's kids - whew, that was a mouthful!). I was able to pick up my daughter since she was on the way out there and take her to the party. I felt so bad cause she was really looking forward to going to this party since they were going to have a water slide. With the stitches, she couldn't go in the water. She was upset at first, but then said to me, "that's ok though cause I like cake." She was good about it all and I am so proud of her that she took it like a big girl. I took her back to her father a couple of hours later but I stayed in Murrieta. I was going to drive home that night, but it got late so I just stayed the night. 

Oh, I almost forgot, I got served. So it's official. In about six months, I will be single again. I am still debating if I'm going to change my name back to my maiden name or keep my married name. Any thoughts?  

Can you believe it, he actually really did file! I am so thrilled right now, words cannot even explain what I want to do right now. I was able to look online on the court docket and do a search by my name and there it was, him versus me, right there in front of my very own eyes. Now I don't care if I get served. I only cared cause I didn't believe that he ACTUALLY filed but now that I know he filed, he can serve me whenever he wants. Can I just jump and down and scream right now? Would you mind?

Thanks, I needed that!

So there I was, minding my own business trying to figure out what I was going to eat for lunch when the shaking started. Wait, what is that? Is that an earthquake? Tons of thoughts ran through my head... do I duck and cover? Do I stay and wait to see if it gets worse? Is my daughter freaking out? I have to admit, it was kind of fun for me. I work in a high rise building in Irvine. Even though I am only on the 6th floor, I still think thats pretty high. Don't believe me? You try jumping out of a building from the sixth floor and see if your still alive afterwards. The newer buildings in Irvine were built on rollers so when there is an earthquake, the building just kind of goes along for the ride. It seemed like it lasted forever, but that is cause our building was still rolling and shaking after it had stopped. I usually do not like earthquakes, but I was surprised at how well I handled this one. The good thing is it seems like everyone is ok (no deaths) and there just seems to be some structure damage a few places. My poor daughter, this was her first earthquake. I called the lady who watches her to make sure she wasn't freaking out and she said she was fine. When I picked her up today, that was all she talked about. Everytime she heard a noise she would say it was the earthquake. Funny how their little minds work.

I still have not been "served" even though the ex claims I should be served sometime this week. There is joke going around my office that I am going to hug the server when he/she serves me. I know that may sound bad to some people, but if you knew the things I have gone through with this guy for the past year you might actually encourage me to hug the person. I actually now find out that he didn't file till this past Monday, instead of last Monday like he said. See, boy who cried wolf.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a wonderful night!

So this whole blogging thing is not new to me, but it does feel like centuries since I have actually posted anything. Just bear with me while I do an update but also kind of fill anyone who is new in.

I started to blog back in 2004 due to some personal issues that was going on with my marriage. We eventually decided to work things and I continued to blog. I felt like my posts were just long and boring, which is one of the main reasons I stopped. Things got better with my marriage (at the time) and there was nothing to say but things that we had done for the day. Even though I loved to blog as it is a GREAT way to get out feelings and what not, I just didn't feel a need for it anymore.

So now I bring you to March, 2007. B, who is what I was calling my "husband" at the time, told me he wanted a divorce and this time he was serious. The first time he told me that in 2004, I was devastated. This time, I have to admit I was relieved. I was miserable and I wanted out. I didn't feel I had enough guts to tell him straight out, so in a sense he did it for me. We had a lease on our apartment that ended June 1, 2007, so we decided to be adults about it and live it out. So we lived together, hating each other's guts every minute of each day, for 4 whole months! I had asked a good friend of mine what her plans were and if she would want a roommate. Turns out she was kind of going through the same thing and wanted out of her marriage as well. Her ex is a real "winner" though but we won't get into that. I have known her since high school and even though we had our ups and downs through high school, she was still a very close friend to me. We got a place in the beginning of May and things were finally starting to look like it was all going to work, except for B (who I will now call "the ex")

He told me right before we were to move out that he didn't want the divorce anymore cause he thought when he said he wanted it, he would have the "single life." In his terms, the single life was having his own place, having his own car, and having money. Instead, he was moving in with daddy (I got my own place), he didn't have a car (I did), and he didnt have much money (I had just gotten a raise in April). So wait, your telling me you don't want to divorce cause you NOW realize how good you had it with me?? How you got to go out every single night with your friends while I stayed home and took care of OUR child? How you did nothing but sit on your a$$ and play games on the computer while I helplessly tried to clean the house (after you and your friends came over all drunk and trashed the place), cook dinner, and take care of the baby? Which, by the way, she is not really a "baby" anymore (5 going on 6) but she will always be my baby! So back to what I was saying... he realized it wasn't going to be all fun and games for him but after I told him it was too late to back out, he said he wasn't backing out, it just "wasn't fair." (Isn't that how life usually is??)

We move out of the apartment and I move in with my roommate in June 2007. Let me just say this, we have been living together for over a year and she is the BEST roommate I could have ever asked for! I love her to death and I am so *blessed* to have her in my life. Back to the ex, things went ok at first, but then the calls started, and the texts, and the "notes" on my car. Yep, he wanted me back. He did not want this anymore and wanted to "change" and make everything ok so we can be together again. Honestly, at first, I was willing to *try* to make things work. I gave it to God (and prayed about it every night) and felt that if it truly was meant to be, then God would make it happen.

I am sure you have guessed by now that didn't happen. He, to me, was the same person he was when we were together. I just don't feel anything in my heart with him anymore. I truly feel that this is the best, for the both of us and for our daughter. What child deserves to see their parents fight ALL THE TIME? Seriously? When my own daughter, at 4 years old, looked at both of us in the eye and said "stop fighting," that is where I decided it was time to surrender. I give up... where's my white flag?

The main reason why I wanted to start blogging again is because he now brings the "drama" back into my life. If only I could tell you the things he has done over the past year, but its way too much to share in one post. I will share in future posts though. I need to vent and this dear blog has been there for me through thick and thin, till death do us part... 

So to end this post, I will say this, we are not going to get back together anytime soon. He *finally* filed the divorce just last Monday. Took him over a year to file, but we will see *if* he even filed. To me, its like boy who cried wolf. When do you actually start to believe the little boy who cried wolf when there actually is a wolf?  

Wow, a lot happens when you disappear off the face of the earth for awhile. I am still around, just not able to check my blog or even write in it. Also means I can't check other people's blogs either. Has anyone ever tried that? Try going days without reading about someone else's life and I am telling you feel like there is a part of you that is missing. You don't feel whole in a sense. I honestly felt like I was missing out on something. I finally realized after a month that I was not going to die if I did not read everyone's blog the next day. I finally realized that there is more important things to do at work, like actually work. I finally realized that this world sucks when you don't get your way!

I am no longer a secretary. I am back up front answering the phones doing what I did when I started my job two and a half years ago. Its a very long story (too long to even blog about) but we will just say that there are some real a**holes out there. Not saying that I worked for one, but I feel like I got what was given to yanked right out without even an explanation. If you have been reading my blog for awhile, than you probably understand. If you haven't, than I wish I could explain but I realy don't have much time. I still love my job though and I am still there. I still have a smile on my face every day and I still greet everyone with that exact smile. I have a positive attitude about it all and sometimes I wonder how I do it.

Okay, enough of that. Things with B and I rough. We go through our moments. We were in a really bad financial bind (still are really but not as bad) and we had help with rent. If we didn't get help we might not be where we are. We are trying to move though. I counted 15 dead cockroaches from my front door to the parking area (which is maybe about 20 feet). When my 4-year-old screams cause there is a cockroach on the ceiling of our closet, that is when I decide it is time to move. We have found a few places with no luck. One place that we fell in love with turned out to be a "thug" area. Someone lived in the area before and heard gunshots all the time. Its a good thing we found out though before we moved in. Things are finally starting to get better financial wise and it will get better once we find a cheaper place to live.

One other thing is I quit smoking. Two days and going strong. I have the cravings and I feel aggravated and tense but I am doing it for my daughter.

I will try to post more but I cannot guarantee anything. For all the people that read this, let me know. If no one even reads this I might just shut it off. Who knows though. Have a great day everyone!

Things have gotten a lot better at work. I haven't been as stressed and overwhelmed with everything and the attorney and I even talked and he told me not worry about certain thngs until I can get everything else down along with it. I felt so much better after talking with him. He was out of the office on Friday so I was able to catch up with everything and it was nice to be able to do that. I am very anal about certain things and the one thing that bothered me the most was that when I was overflow I was always able to get things done and have an empty desk by the end of the day. Now that I have an attorney it never gets like that. I am also still considered overflow when I have some free time but that has not happened since I was assigned to this attorney. I just had to realize it was not going to be like before and I think that is what has helped me to not be so stressed. When I don't think about it, it doesn't bother me. So I am definitely feeling better about everything at work.

My mom is still here and has not left yet. I don't want her leave but I know it is going to happen. She is probably staying longer though which is nice. It will give me more time with her.

B starts work with his dad probably this Monday. He is pretty stoked about it and it is a really good opportunity for him. He has been waiting for this day to come (and honestly we both thought it wouldn't happen) and his dad has now seen how much B has matured in his decision making. He does know that if he screws this up though this is his one and only chance. He knows to be very serious about it and not to make any mistakes. I think it is good for him.

Other than that everything is about the same. The baby is still not in school/daycare. We have not really found anything we are comfortable with. There are a few we have found but they want money up front and we don't have it. Luckily my mom is still here and she can help us out till B get his foot in the door at his dad's company. She has gotten a lot better with the way she acts and is actually listening when we tell her to do stuff. It is so much better having a child that listens and obeys.

Anyway, that is all. Sorry I haven't posted lately and commented on anyone's page. Too busy at work to read and comment (not like when I was the receptionist and always had free time). I do read everyone's posts though. Have a great day everyone!

What a crazy week it has been. It has been very hectic at work and a lot of changes have been made.

When I was moved over to secretary, I was only considered overflow. I would help all the secretaries out whenever I could. As of last week, I now have an attorney to my name and am no longer considered just overflow. I was pretty stoked about getting assigned to an attorney and thought it was something I really wanted, but after the whole training part of it, I am not sure I am as ready as I thought I was. He requires a lot from his secretary and it is something that I am not sure I can handle all at once. I do wish that they could have given me someone a little more simpler, someone with less requirements, but nonetheless I am still happy with the decision. The secretary that was working for him was having some difficulties working with him and, to be honest, I am a little scared at how he treated her. I don't know both sides of the story, only hers, so I can't really judge but from what I have seen and heard, he likes to put blame on everyone but himself.

I got so overwhelmed with everything the other day that I cried. I could not help it really. I did voice my concern with the managing partner of the office and he was very considerate of my feelings. He really hated to see me cry and could not understand why I was crying but I told him I did not want to lose my job. He basically told me that by seeing me so upset showed him that I really want to do good and I am afraid I won't. He also told me I need to be more confident in myself. I have never been really. I don't know if it has anything to do with the way I was treated in school but it is something I have always had a hard time doing (being confident in myself and knowing that I am good). He also said that he understood my concern, but it had only been a few days and felt I would regret it later if I just quit inste ad of sticking it out a little longer. After we talked for awhile he took me in the office of the attorney that I am working for and all three of us talked. I did feel a little better after it all, but I do admit that I did not feel like everything I felt was let out. The attorney also understood my concern and knows I am new at this and that it takes time. In the end, I am still working for him and just taking it as it goes. I am hoping it does not come down to me hating me job or losing it in the end cause I cannot do what is expected of me. Again, I guess only time will tell and I will just have to give it some time.

Anyway, so work has been pretty hectic but the good news is I am on vacation all next week. My mom is moving to Idaho and I took a week off to spend some time with her. I think it will be fun. It will also give me a week to wind down from all the emotions I have been going through and all the stress. I have been there for over two years and have not taken a vacation yet so this is well needed. Actually, this is the first vacation I have ever taken this long. Usually I only take a day or two. I will try my best not to think about work and think about the things I forgot to do before I left and enjoy my vacation.

Have a great day everyone!!

What a day it has been. It was so hectic at work. One of the secretary's at my work went on vacation this week and her attorney went to her desk and saw things on her desk that she did not finish before she left. He was not a happy camper about it. So of course he lays it on me and the other secretary there. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind helping but I had other things to take care of as well. So it doubled my work and made it a lot more hectic. Days like today make me glad I don't own a gun cause I wanted to shoot someone.

To add to all the work I had to do, I got a call from B saying that the baby was no longer allowed at her daycare/school and that today was her last day. Let me provide a little background for you before I get into why. When we first started taking the baby there we met a lady, who we thought was the owner. We will call her J. Then, this past week the real "owner" comes into the picture and tells B that J was let go. She also made it known that things were going to change at the school. When she found out J was only charging us $300 a month she stated that was one of the reasons why J was no longer there. She told B that our tuition would be raised to $600 a month (what it is supposed to be). We knew things were going to start getting rough and even made the decision that we would try to find another place for her to go. Anyway, so B got a call this afternoon saying we needed to come up with $900 by Friday and since (in her own words) she knew we wouldn't be able to pay it (which is bull crap) that the baby's last day was today. She then said everything she could say to try to belittle B and I saying "good luck finding a place this cheap" and "looks like one of you will have to stay home since you won't find another place so cheap." Also saying that B needed to make sure he got all her stuff cause she was no longer welcome back at that school. When B told me this I was more concerned of how I was going to explain to my daughter how she won't being going to school anymore and will not be seeing her friends everyday. Then, not even 10 minutes later, B called me again to tell me that her school called again and said the baby was "acting up" and "crying" and "cursing" so we needed to get her right away. I was furious that they even had the nerve to tell my daughter what was going on. Turns out though, when B picked her up, she was fine. She was playing and her teacher didn't even know what was going on. B told her to say goodbye and then her teacher wasn't sure why. When B told her what had happened she was just as mad. She said the baby had been there for so long she never thought it would come down to this. I still don't understand it but I am glad it happened this way. I would rather her not got to a school like that anyway. I guess the bright side of this is that my mom has been staying with us for awhile and she will be able to watch the baby while we look for another place to take her. So it all worked out in the end I guess.

Speaking of my mom, I also got news from her today that she will be moving to Idaho. I am pretty bummed about it and I don't want her to leave but I can't really do anything about it. Like I said, she has been staying with us so at least, now that she knows she is leaving, she will have more time with her granddaughter and to spend with me before she leaves. She probably won't be leaving for at least a month so that gives me that much more time to spend with her.

Anyway, so it has been a pretty hectic and bizarre day. Other than today, things have been going good. B and I just passed our six year anniversary (July 8) and we went to Vegas over the weekend. We had a good time and I think it brought us closer. Things are good with us so its a good thing.

Anyway, I guess that is all. Have a great night everyone!

Still wondering if this whole “punishment” thing B and I are trying is really worth it. We totally thought after her losing her kitchen and toy chest that she had learned, but sure enough the next day was a whole new day for her.

She was pretty good when she got home yesterday. It was around dinnertime that the mouth started to talk back. B and I gave her many “chances” to be better.  B was trying to get her to understand that we don’t like to do this and said “I don’t want to put up with this anymore” when she repeated him exactly word for word, in a mocking three year old tone.  There went the television and dvd player. We thought we finally hit a spot with her cause she was crying like her whole world came crashing down on her. When all was said and done though, she seemed like it didn’t even happen. She wanted to show everyone that her television and dvd player was gone, saying “come here everyone, I want to show you something” in what seemed like an excited voice. Wait a minute, what just happened here? That is not how that is supposed to work.

No matter how “excited” she seemed about the whole ordeal, she really wasn’t too thrilled about it. But, just like every other three year old, she completely forgot about it five minutes later.

Later that evening I had to take her Princess lamp away. She was upset and didn’t want me to take it, but this morning woke up and was again trying to show everyone how it was gone. So far she has lost four major things to her and it seems like it is affecting B and I more than her.

So now what? Are we doing the right thing or are we taking things away for nothing? She just doesn’t seem to learn that this is a punishment and not fun and games to mommy and daddy. I had a nice little “talk” with her last night and told her how much we truly love her and why we are taking things away from her. I also told her that daddy and I hate taking things away from her and we wouldn’t have to if she was a good girl and listened to what her teachers and her daddy and I told her. I know we already had this talk but I guess I was hoping that maybe this time it will sink in. I am not sure if it did, but maybe time will tell.

Maybe giving it some more time will help.  If by the end of this week nothing has really changed, then I think it is time to try something else. A lot of people (friends and family) seem to think that B and I are doing the right thing. I still would like to know what everyone else thinks about the whole thing and if anyone has any ideas or suggestions.

My three-year-old daughter is still in her “terrible twos.” She has gone way past the temper tantrums and crying when things don’t go her way. B and I were at our wits end with her yesterday because we both realized that the punishing we had been doing (time-outs, spanking) was not having any affect on her whatsoever. You tell her to do something or not to do something and she talks back (with the finger pointing and head swaying back and forth). Her favorite is, “well, I can do it if I want to” or, “I want to so I will.” She also likes to throw things right at your face if you tell her "no." About two hours out of a whole day she is the sweetest little angel, most of that right after she wakes up either in the morning or from her nap. Once she is fully awake, be prepared because the devil has come out of her. I hate punishing her I know I am too easy on her a lot of the time. I know I let her get away with way more than I should, but I just want her to be the happy angel and I guess I felt by giving her way more than I should that she would be that happy angel all the time.  Don’t get me wrong, she was that happy little angel that I love so much in the beginning but after she realized how much she can get away with she took advantage of it. Even when daddy punishes her, she always asks for me and I believe it is because she knows I will “help” her in a sense.

It all came down to her school telling B that she has gone too far. She never listens to her teachers and the worst part of it all is she now cussing in school. One little boy told her had he had to go potty and since she was already on it she told him to “pee on himself b-i-t-c-h.” I was shocked when I heard that. I could not believe it. So I made a deal with her. Actually, it was more of a deal for me than her. If she continued this bad behavior at home and at school, she was going to start losing toys. Last night, it was enforced. Like I said earlier, B and I were at our wits end with her and she was not listening to anything we were telling her. It kind of made me wonder who was the parent and who the child. Finally, it got to the point where B took her kitchen away, out of her room and she cannot play with it for the rest of the week. If she is good, she can have it back by the weekend (maybe sooner depending on how she is). We thought that would truly put something in her head but it did not believe it or not. So the next thing to go was her toy chest (filled with all her toys). I cannot even tell you how devastated she was. It was like her whole world came crashing down and there was no reason for her to even live anymore (boy, does she have no idea).

After that, we threatened her with taking her t.v. and dvd player. She finally listened after the toy chest got taken away, but that is just one day. We even told her that mommy and daddy would love to have a t.v. and dvd player in our room. Maybe that hit I spot with her cause she finally did what she was told to do.  I hate seeing her get upset, but how else are we supposed to teach her a lesson. When we were potty training her she had things taken away if she had accidents. 

Being a first time mommy I sometimes wonder if I do the right things. I would love to hear from other people to see how they punished their young ones for things. I would also love to hear from anyone if they think what I am doing is wrong or right and why they feel that way. I am open to all opinions, so please don’t be afraid to leave one.

I know this is a little late, but I thought I would tell everyone how my Mother's Day was. 

Last Thursday afternoon I found out from my mom that she would not be able to come see me on Mother's day. Her husband's mom is not doing so well and he wanted to see her for Mother's Day so she was going with him to her house in Yuma, Arizona.

Friday comes around and I call my mom for something (forgot what) and her husband answers. He invites B and I to come to Yuma to visit. I told him it was probably not going to happen since I knew B would not want to drive all the way out there for a day. I told him I would talk to B about it anyway. I even told my mom it was most likely not going to happen but it was fine cause we made plans to hang out the following weekend.

I emailed B telling him about heading up there and even told him that I would be totally fine with it if he did not want to go since I was going to see my mom the next weekend. He emailed me back and was excited about going. He wanted to go on a road trip. He wanted to go on Saturday and get a hotel room and then meet up with the "family" on Sunday. I was pretty shocked but I was glad he wanted to go.

We planned on leaving Saturday morning but things came up and couldn't get out of the house till about 4. It was a nice drive, but long. There was a lot of traffic so it took us 3 more hours to get there than we had expected. Plus, with the baby being fully potty trained, every hour we heard her saying she had to go potty. B wanted to put a diaper on her but she would not have (she was a big girl now). It actually got to a point where she really had to go and there was no bathroom for miles. We had to pull over and let her "pee in the mountains" as she calls it. Yes, she brags about it. She thought it was the most exciting part of the whole trip.

Anyway, we finally got there at 10 and just got the room. We stayed up for a little bit and then crashed. Sunday morning we got up and checked out of our room and went to Cracker Barrel to meet my mom and her husband's family for breakfast. It was very good. I haven't eaten that good in a long time. After breakfast we went to his mom's house and hung out there for a bit. Then everyone kind of parted to their homes, but B and I stuck around to see this old prison they had there. It was very interesting actually. I was worried about taking the baby since I like to actually stop and read the information but she was very good. She was just as in to it as B and I were. It was cool. The cells were outside and it was HOT (110 I believe) so after looking at the cells B and I were ready to head out of there and go home. We left at about 5 and that time got home at 8:30. It was a much better drive co ming home. The baby was better about going potty (only had to go once) and there was a lot less traffic. 

So I had a pretty good Mother's Day. I am glad B and I went out there. We definitely want to go back but would like to in the fall or winter where it would be cooler. When I was younger my family would always take "road trips" and it was always fun. I told B I want to do that with the baby so she has those memories.  He agreed which was cool.

Anyway, so I hope all you mothers had a good Mother's Day. Have a great day everyone. 

B settled with the lady's insurance company sometime last week. He signed the release by Friday. Though I won't tell you how much, he did get money. I can tell you that it wasn't very much. We did spoil ourselves last weekend, but not to an extreme. After talking to a few people (including some attorneys here at my work) he and I both realized what he was getting was about normal for the situation especially since he is getting his car back. Like I said, we were able to spoil ourselves (as well as the baby, actually I think she got spoiled more than both of us combined) and we paid some bills that needed to be paid. It was a well needed "payment" and I am thankful it came when it did. I prayed to God about our finances, especially since we were going to be stuck in a hard place and the next day B called me to tell me he settled the case. I was so happy to hear it and I knew God was hearing my prayers. 

On other news, it seems my meds are working again. I am not sure if I mentioned it but the doctor upped my dosage and so far things have gotten better. I feel better too. I don't feel so tired and lazy all the time. Now I just have to hope that this dosage doesn't wear off in about a year and go through it all over again. I just want to stay on one medication and keep it that way for as long as I need to take it. Even though I know it won't work that way, I can always still hope.

Anyway, other than that things are pretty much the same around the house.  It has just been the same thing for me everynight; I get home from work and watch some t.v. and go to bed. Things are a lot better with B and I. I am sure my new med dosage has something to do with it but I am not complaining. As long as we get along and not fight as much than I think its okay. I just hate fighting with him especially since he has to get last word in. I am the same way though so when we both are trying to get the last word in, well its just pointless. Don't get me wrong, we still argue but not nearly as bad as two months ago. A lot of the arguments then would escalate for no reason at all. By the end we were trying to even remember what we were fighting about and by that time I want nothing do with him. I just want to lay down and watch tv and completely ignore him.

Ok, sorry I am done babbling now.  I know you don't want to hear about my boring arguments with my husband. Have a great day everyone! 

Remember the TGIF line-up that used come on t.v. on Friday nights? I used to actually look forward to watching those shows. I loved Step-by-Step. I also, of course, had no life so that was my excitement for a Friday evening.

Today has been a pretty lazy day. Not too much to do at work but I have been busy enough to where my day has gone by pretty fast. I like it when my day goes by fast. It is better than it dragging and the day seeming to go by really slow.

Found out the other day there is not much to worry about with them fixing B's car. He was worried that he was going to get after-market parts and not have the same new toyota parts especially since the car is only 9 months old. He did express his concern to the adjuster and they told him that the toyota dealership is actually going to be putting the parts in. The mechanic will handle the body stuff and he will be getting brand new toyota parts for the engine stuff.  He felt better after that. I guess in the end it is better that we are getting the car back. Without having the gap insurance we would have to owe them a lot of money so it turned out better this way. Everything happens for a reason.

B is having a hard time with the adjusters trying to get money back. We have paid a lot of money on pain medication for him and he has missed a lot of work due to being in pain and they aren't willing to pay him back for any of it. The adjuster told him yesterday that he wasn't going to get more than a couple hundred dollars for a settlement, including what he has paid out and lost from not working. Now he is thinking he may be best getting an attorney. His only concern is getting one and having most of the money he would win in a settlement go to the attorney. So who knows. I told him I think he at least needs to talk to someone and see what they say. I know a few attorneys have told him to get one, and others have told him he is better off dealing with this on his own. I am just going to keep it in God's hands and go from there.

Other than that things are going well. B and I are getting along pretty well too. We do have our moments, but I think they are getting better. I no longer have the crazy thoughts in my head about being with someone else or what it would be like.  So I guess that is a progress.

Have a great weekend everyone!!